Author’s Note

This epic trilogy has followed a young boy in the up’s and down’s of a normal American teenage life. Hopefully this trilogy will be preserved through the years and always looked upon and quoted from when defining how life is and how hard life is as a teenager in this great country. I hope you have enjoyed the story as much as I have enjoyed writing it. And it is my hope we can all find happiness like our young protagonist Phillip did. Stay safe, stay happy, and follow your heart!

The Final Chapter (Epilogue)

All was right with the world at the close of this epic tale. Phillip finally listened to reason, and her name was Crocker. He was happy again. He was back where he should be: with his love Crocker and doing what he loved, dancing with the All-County Dance Team. He was humble again, just like Phillip II King of Spain was, for he had given up his role of Captain of the Dance Squad to none other than Paco Calabaza. The two made up the most powerful dance tandem in the nation, and their All-County Dance Team was getting world-wide acclaim.
Paco, who had suffered from loneliness ever since his parents purposely left him at the hospital when he was born, finally found his soul mate. Or should I say soul mates, as he had won the hearts of both Gertrude and Blanch. They were all very happy together.
Johnny Tsunami was forced back to Hawaii, as eventually all Hawaiians were who lived on mainland America. The continental United States had finally achieved what they had for so long wanted: a Hawaii free nation. When Johnny Tsunami arrived back to the “volcanic island,” he was not greeted pleasantly. The people blamed him for the problems that fell upon Hawaii, for after all had Johnny Tsunami never fought with Phillip (Louis); Phillip would never have been driven to act out on such a vengeful path.
Unfortunately, we do not know exactly what has happened to Johnny Tsunami. Last he was seen was at a juice bar in Hawaii, sucking on coconut milk. However, the Hawaiian Mafia had had a price on his head for quite some time and it is our fear (or Phillip’s delight) that they got to him. But he is Hawaiian, so who cares.
Lastly, Phillip and Crocker, this generation’s “Ross and Rachel.” After a long winding road, the two love birds were finally able to tie the knot. Oh, the ceremony was beautiful. The two exchanged vows at the courtyard of the town’s hospital, as Crocker was in for hip replacement. She looked beautiful in her ruffled wedding dress, the color as beige as her glossed over eyes. Phillip was striking in his outfit. He had worked hard on finding the perfect thing to wear – the same outfit that Phillip II King of Spain used to wear. The two began their lives together that day, as the rings were placed on each other’s fingers. Paco, the best man, was so moved he asked both Maids of Honor to marry him – the result: both Gertrude and Blanch ecstatic to say yes.
Phillip and Crocker lived happily ever after. There was never another name change and both gained extreme happiness through their trades. Crocker stayed with Denny’s as she re-defined breakfast dinners. Phillip, on the other hand, stayed with the All-County Dance Team as long as he could. When he became too old to do the splits, he knew it was time to hang up his tapping shoes. He made an easy transition to the coach of the All-County Dance Team, which is where he is to this day. He lives happily with his wife Crocker and their four cats. He truly lives the “perfect life.”

As Phillip and Crocker occupied themselves, Paco was getting attention from the entire crowd. He was being hoisted up on the fans shoulders – congratulated for his dance moves and for getting the “Island Blood” (Johnny Tsunami) off the stage. Johnny Tsunami walked away dejectedly, as he had failed to accomplish his goal. He did not win the respect of his cast members, and he did not get Hawaii’s right to be a state back. Surely his goals would be attained he thought? There is no way his part of the story could end like this. And just as he thought that, two police officers walked up to him, and arrested him. The charge: “A full blood Hawaiian walking in public without his arm patch. Penalty: deportation back to the state of Hawaii and never to be allowed to act again.”
While Johnny Tsunami was being detained, the same fate was about to happen for Paco. He had known it would come if he danced on the stage. He knew that the INS would recognize him and send him back. But he had to dance – he couldn’t let his protégé be embarrassed on that dance floor. That was just the way Paco was grown up – never leave a person behind…even if that person is Hawaiian.
“Are you Paco?” asked an INS agent as he approached the dancer.
“Yes…” replied Paco. “What tipped you off, if I may ask?”
“Well we have been looking for a high profile dancer from Mexico that has crossed the border within the last nine months.”
“And that was enough to find me?”
“Didn’t you hear what I said?” asked the INS Agent in a spiteful fashion. “We were looking for a ‘Mexican.’ All we had to do was find a whiney, smelly kid with a gross mustache and greased back hair.”
“Ohhhhhh….” whined Paco.
“Now, what is your last name?” asked the agent.
“…Calabaza…” said Paco hesitantly, worried what was to become of him.
“What was that?” asked the INS Agent, clearly taken aback by the last name.
“…Calabaza…” re-stated Paco.
“Are you sure?”
“Si, si,” said Paco.
“Well, then, sir,” said the INS Agent in clearly a different tone, “I am sorry for disrupting your time. You are free to go.”
Paco, clearly taken aback, felt elated yet curious. “I’m sorry sir, but why am I free?”
“Your last name sir, your last name.” The INS Agent said. “It’s…Puerto Rican.”
“Wha…?” asked Paco.
“Why, as of today, you’re an American!”
“Ohhhh….my!” exclaimed Paco. “I never knew where I was born. The earliest I can remember is ten years ago, when I was dancing at a Mexican orphanage.”
“Well, rest assured Paco, you are an American citizen and you are free to live wherever you want in these great 50 states of ours!” And with that the INS Agent left.
Paco felt elated! He was an American citizen! He could start his own dance team in this great country and not have to worry about the INS! And best of all, he could get rid of all the Mexican stereotypes he possessed. He was American now, and he should act it. He would shave his awful facial hair. He would start taking baths and actually care about how his smell and look was projected towards others. And best of all, he could finally stop whining when he talked!
Paco left the auditorium that day with a newfound purpose and excitement. He was still alone, but now he had the world’s possibilities at his feet.

Although Phillip was complacent in not joining Paco on the dance floor, the crowd was not. Goldie Hawn was the first to see Phillip on the stage, and she went ape-wild. She got up on Kurt Russell’s shoulders, flashed the crowd, and screamed “Phillip! Get your sweet little buns on that dance floor and show us what God intended dancing to be!”
Phillip looked at Crocker, who was in her wheelchair smiling larger than ever, she had given him his approval. “This one is for you Crocky!” Phillip shouted as he pointed to Crocker. Then, the protocol son of dancing, Phillip, hit the dance floor and now there were two. Two amazing dancers. One amazing dance. One amazing event.
Paco and Phillip lost all track of time as they flawlessly portrayed a robot with swift, easy movements. No jerky jolts, no rigid actions – just, “The Lithium Robot.” It was perfect, much like Phillip’s life. For he had now cemented his dance on video for the whole nation to see, and he had the perfect girl. When the song ended, Phillip ran up to Crocker’s wheelchair, got on one knee and asked the question – “Will you join me in holy matrimony?” asked Phillip, red with nerves.
“Does the pope practice Roman Catholicism?” replied Crocker and she dove for Phillip’s lips, however a little premature as she mistook the wheelchair and fell out.
“Oi…” said Crocker, “I’m going to have to get that looked at” she said as she looked at her hip.
“Oh you,” said Louis lovingly, and the two disappeared behind the crowd – not to reappear for thirty minutes.

Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, (the crowd roared, most of them tearing up)
Mata ah-oo hima de (women were screaming “Phillip!!! We love you!”)
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, (and then the chants started)

“LITHIUM ROBOT! LITHIUM ROBOT!”

It had been over a year since anyone outside of Phillip and his bedroom mirror had seen the “Lithium Robot” be performed. But the legend had grown. From Nantucket to San Diego the legend grew, and the anticipation followed. The people were pumped, as they were finally going to be able to see, the “Lithium Robot.”
However, as the crowd was freaking out about the music and the impending dance, they did not notice that the only person that was supposed to do the “Lithium Robot,” Johnny Tsunami, was having a very hard time pulling off the moves.
He was proving the Hawaiian stereotype 100% true as his idea of the “Lithium Robot” looked exactly like an old-style robot, one which jerky movements. He completely misunderstood what “lithium” would do to the robot, and his interpretation was awful. Right before the crowd began booing; a scrawny boy in a trench coat jumped out on the stage and saved Johnny Tsunami. It was Paco. And he was dancing the “Lithium Robot” – the correct way. He was shucking and jiving up there better than anyone – maybe even better than Phillip.
The crowd roared, as this mysterious man with a disgusting mustache and greased back hair performed the greatest dance known to man. While this was going on, Phillip sat in his directing chair nervous. Nervous that the nation might think there is a better dancer than he. The ‘Louis’ in him lifted him off his chair and onto the dance floor, poised to take over the dance.
And then he realized what he was doing. He was becoming “The Sun King” all over again – selfish, greedy, and never happy. He held himself back, realizing that the joy Paco was getting from the dance was something he too should be happy for. After all, at least it was not a Hawaiian getting the fame. Phillip stood on the side of the dance floor, happy and satisfied, for his dance, the one he had worked so hard on choreographing, was hitting the nation by storm.

“Ok, ok, everyone,” shouted Phillip to the crowd, “we are all here today to witness the shooting of the greatest dance scene caught on film. This dance number will go down in history as the day the dancing world took back film. We’ve been waiting long for this day to arrive, and now, it is here. Everyone, young and old, gather ‘round and enjoy this truly unforgettable event!”
“Whoa!!!” roared the crowd.
“I want to have your babies!” screamed Goldie Hawn, thinking at her age she would actually have a chance with Phillip – he wanted a woman, not a child.
“Ok,” screamed Phillip, “lets shoot!”
The music started, Elton John’s “Rocketman” blasted from the speakers. Then, Johnny Tsunami and four other teenagers walked onto the platform. The four teenagers were, for the sake of the movie supposed to be Hawaiian, but seeing as most Hawaiians had been deported they were replaced with Filipinos. Which proved to for the better, as they could actually dance – unlike the Hawaiians.
As the five teens started dancing to Rocketman, the DJ skipped a beat, turned the tables, and made a “jiggy-jive” as he switched songs to U2’s “With or Without You.” The dancers were ready for it too, as their movements changed flawlessly and easily. They were doing the hand-jive and the “heal-toe.” They had game. And, amazingly enough, so did Johnny Tsunami. He was dancing on the stage as if he himself were an American. He certainly did not look like a Hawaiian. He was jiving and bouncing all over the dance floor, slightly reminiscent of Phillip’s dances.
Paco stood in the corner of the auditorium smiling; he had shown Johnny Tsunami the way. Just as he promised.
Then the fifty background dancers infiltrated all around the auditorium, from every entrance imaginable. Dressed in salmon colored outfits, most uncannily resembling crabs. They slowly inched their way towards Johnny Tsunami doing their heavily acclaimed ‘Crab Walk’ dance. Johnny Tsunami’s moves switched with the music.
Jessica Simpson’s “Sweetest Sin” hit the speakers, and with it, Johnny Tsunami orchestrated the perfect dance-style karate kick followed by Phillip’s coveted “Spanish Salsa” dance routine. The crowd erupted, and the “Crab Walkers” backed off. Everyone was on the edge of their seats, as the finale to the dance – and thus the movie, was approaching. Everyone knew that the next time the DJ was to switch the song it would mark the climax of the dance.
It seemed like an eternity of the “Spanish Salsa” and the “Sweetest Sin,” as all waited with great anticipation for the finale to start. When just then the DJ yelled out “re-mix!!! Playa!!! Fa Shizza!! Get ready gangstas!!” the DJ was African American, “lets sca-doodle!” And just with that, he spun the records, Jessica Simpson’s voice ended and the song everyone had been waiting for hit the sound board: “Mr. Roboto.”

Finally the day had arrived. The day the nation had been looking forward to for so long. The day that it would finally be official: Puerto Rico would be the new 50th state and Hawaii would become the nation’s trash: their newest territory. Hawaii would now become the “Guam of the 21st Century.” The day also had several other important events. For one thing, the final dance scene was to be shot for “Johnny Tsunami 2: Take it to the Streets.” It was a pivotal scene, as it represented the climax of the movie. Fifty extras were brought in to do the “Crab Walk” for the dance. On top of that, the impending dance scene had brought celebrities and politicians nationwide to the studio. Everyone just wanted to get a glimpse of Phillip (previously Louis who was previously Phillip who was previously Samuel) at work. Among the big names were of course the mayor of New Mexico, but also present were Rudy Giuliani, Shel Silverstein, Reba Macintyre, and Mary Kate Olsen (like she had a chance with Phillip…pshhh!). And among the celebrated guests, in the very back, was a slightly disguised young man. He was wearing a trench coat, sun glasses, and an old man’s cap. It was Paco. He was dressed in disguise in order to avoid the INS; he still was under a lot of heat and had to keep them off his tail. But Paco wanted to come support his protégé Johnny Tsunami. Even though Johnny Tsunami had been tricking him with some type of rancid mayonnaise based cream, he still hoped the best for him. He wanted to see Johnny Tsunami succeed.

Louis’ life changed for the better in the next day. He went to the court house bright and early the next morning to change his name back to what it should have always been – Phillip. To his surprise, when he got to the court room, the building was packed with supporters. Just like when he had originally changed his name to Phillip one year ago, his loved ones and his supporters came to witness the event. For Crocker, being the little piece of candy that she is, had told the county of the impending name change.
As Louis approached the bench to sign the document to change his name for the third time in a year, the judge asked him who he wanted to sign as a witness. While the crowd erupted, screaming “Me!!! Me!! I want to sign it!” Louis said, “There is only one who could sign this,” and he motioned over to the handicapped seat at the front of the court room.
“Crocker,” Louis started, “can you get your sweet ass up here and help change my life?” The crowd erupted with approval. Crocker, who had gotten seriously injured from twisting her prosthetic hip the night before, took awhile to get up from her seat.
A few minutes later Crocker made the few steps to the bench and signed her name. Louis, excuse me, Phillip, grabbed Crocker, spun her around and planted one on her.
Phillip felt at ease, he felt he was finally doing the right thing again. However, he still had much to do. As the crowd ambushed him and put him up on a pedestal, Phillip’s mind escaped him, he still had so much to do. In all his eating as Louis, he had grown two sizes – he was now a size 6! He would not let that continue. Secondly, he still had a duty to do for King Phillip II. He still had to ensure that Hawaii would never exist as a state again. He still had to embarrass Johnny Tsunami one last time, and do his part in ensuring for the deportation of all Hawaiians on mainland America. And lastly, he had one last thing to offer Crocker – the rest of his life, for he was finally ready to propose.

As the words hit Louis’ ears he dove at Crocker, slamming his lips on hers. They were like two hound dogs chewing on the same steak, as the two lovers attacked each other. As this story is for a PG audience, I will skip over the next 30 minutes.
“Crocker,” Louis said 30 minutes later as he was slipping back on his spandex uniform, “I know what I have to do. I know how I, no I mean, how we, can be happy again.”
Crocker’s heart skipped a beat at the sound of Louis mentioning their lives together.
“Yes…” said Crocker enthusiastically yet curiously.
“I will end it with Gertrude … let’s just hope I don’t break up with her during one of her ‘hot flashes.’” Louis and Crocker laughed together, knowing all too well Gertrude was currently suffering through the worst stages of menopause.
“Also, Crocker,” Louis continued, “I have forgotten my ways. I have turned my back on everything I once held so dear. I have turned my back on my heart.”
“What do you mean?” asked Crocker, nudging him along the path to vindication and righteousness.
“Well first of all,” Louis started, “I belong with the All-County Dance Team. My body bleeds purple and blue (the county’s flag’s colors) and I never felt so alive dancing with that all-county team. Secondly, my job with Disney – it was never for me. It is too high profile and fake. I was never intended for such a job. I was meant to touch those closest around me with the gift of dancing. And I just can’t do that from the set of a movie.”
“Is that it?” asked Crocker.
“No,” replied Louis, “the two things I feel most shameful about are turning my back on my hero, and my love. But I am here today to ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness from both Phillip II, and from you. Will you guys take me back?”
“Well you know Phillip II always had a special place in his heart for those loyal to him, I know he would forgive you,” stated Betsy. “And as for me,” Betsy paused for dramatic effect, “well…” and she flung into Louis’ arms, which might not have been such a good idea as she twisted her prosthetic hip.
“Oi…” said Crocker, “I’m going to have to get that looked at.”
“Oh you,” said Louis lovingly. The two dipped back behind the dance stage, not to appear for another 15 minutes.

As the rest of the dancers scuttled out, Louis got in his duffle bag and pulled out a sausage hoagie in which he subsequently began to devour.
“Ahem,” croaked Crocker as she approached Louis.
Louis looked up, petrified he would see the African-American woman who had been following him around since his meeting with the New Mexican government.
“Oh!” started Louis a little shocked, but a little happy, “how are you Betsy?”
“It’s Crocker now, Phillip. I finally changed my name. I’m living the dream!”
“Well so am I Crocker, for I changed my name to Louis!”
“What?! You changed your name? No longer Phillip? Do you not care for your old hero? What would Phillip II King of Spain and Archduke of the Netherlands say if he saw you? How could you?!”
“Well, I never knew about King Louis XIV back then. Now I do.”
“Oh, so you are saying if I knew about Emeril Lagasse back when I was head of the ‘Betsy Crocker Fan Club’ that I would have changed my name to Emeril?! Or even Lagasse?!”
“Ahh…” Louis a little hesitant, “…yeah…”
”No! Louis, no. I would not,” yelled Crocker. “I would be damned if I ever turned my back on Betty Crocker. Never. And with Emeril Lagasse of all people? You know, I think that piece of shit is ¼ Hawaiian. Makes me sick to my stomach!”
“Well,” Louis started, “I think I made the right choice. Ever since I began embodying King Louis XIV King of France, the gods have smiled upon me. I got a plum job at Disney, I made the State Dance Team, and I am finally able to grow at least a little facial hair. Look Crocker! Look!” Louis pointed at his chin and mustache area, as a few sprouts of hair were finally coming up.
“That’s lovely,” said Crocker extremely turned on, “but I noticed you did not mention anything about your love life. I heard you were with the new woman in town, Gertrude.”
“Well yeah… I am,” Louis said, “she…well she is a lovely woman.”
“You don’t sound too happy,” inquired Crocker.
“Well it’s just…she gives me no space! And she has no mind of her own! She just copies me and follows me everywhere! It was cute for only a short period, now it’s sickening!”
“Well that doesn’t sound like you are living a great life,” said Crocker. “And how about your job? Are you liking that?”
“Well…” Louis started, “No! I hate it!” And Louis started crying as he threw his face in Crocker’s bosom. “It’s so stressful and impersonal! Both working with major actors trying to get them to dance, as well as working with a dance competition on a national level! I just can’t handle the pressure and I don’t like what I have become!”
“There, there,” Betsy said reassuringly, pleased as punch that she was able to hold Louis once again.
“I just miss the days where all I had to worry about was the County’s Birthday Celebrations or my waist line!” Louis continued, “but all this…the movies…the dance competitions…all the women after me…I just can’t handle it!”
“There, there,” said Betsy. “Would you like things to go back the way they were? Would you like to be happy again? Would you like life to be perfect again?”
“Yes…I would do anything for that! What must I do?” asked Louis.
“You know, Louis, what you must do, your heart has always known,” whispered Crocker.